Letters to Me # 3

Dear Me,
Yep - all of you - ME.
I wish you would love yourself,
You know - like you deserve to be loved by you.

I'm a Happy Girl - every body knows...

Listen to Happy Girl by Martina McBride - it will make you a Happy Girl too.

I always wanted to be the person that people just liked to be around...

I found out recently that I AM a person that people just like being around.

How cool is that?

It's my life... it's now or never...

Everyone's gotta love this Bon Jovi song...

I was out and about in the blogosphere and ran across this Life Lesson posting at Naturally Nina's place.

I was just having a discussion with my friend D about this topic. Very apropos... we were pondering the questions "At what age are you old enough to make other plans - say for a holiday?" and "Is there a magic age where you are all the sudden able to break tradition of sorts without consequences?"

I doubt that there is a solve-all but I found that Nina's sentiment that "[The]older [she gets], the urge to make everyone around [her] happy is losing steam" rings true for me too. I'm still working on getting comfy in my own skin. It's nice to know that the progression will naturally bring us to a place where we make ourselves happy and we are still able to show those that mean the most to us that they matter-albeit a secondary concern.

It's a Beautiful Day...

Every so often I get overwhelmed by my blessings. I'm overflowing with happiness and its showing itself in the form of tears. Yes, tears still seem to be a theme for me and no, they haven't stopped flowing though I've been gone for the last month or so.

Here are a few updates:

• Therapy - I'm done for now. The therapist gave me some good tools - now its time to apply them to dealing with my life.

• Dad's cancer - two rounds of meds down and two of the three tumors have shrunk! Hot damn and Hallelujah! He's doing two more rounds then another PET scan and then - they'll talk surgery. One day at a time. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate your support.

• The Non-Date Friend - is one of the best people I've ever met. I don't take myself so seriously and my life is much more fun when I'm around him. It's nice to have a friend who's company I enjoy wholeheartedly.

• My car - I'm saving for repairs - yep, I'm getting the old girl fixed. I'm more comfortable with the repairs than I am with a new debt and monthly car payment.

I'm back on the blogging bandwagon - this time on the other side of the storm. I've survived and am living proof that even in what we believe is our darkest hour - the light eventually breaks through.

I hope you've all been well.

~Rita

Maybe I'm not crazy...

I've had a few nights of epiphanies... mainly about the crying issue.

I'm realizing that due to some things that happened in my life in my early twenties, I cut off most of my emotions. I don't think I cried or reacted in any particularly emotional way for a good ten years. So, the tears that are showing up now are ones that have been held in check for a very long time. They are a good thing. I'm ready to let it all go officially. I know that it is going to be a while before this purging is complete but I understand it better today than I did yesterday. That makes me feel a tiny bit more sane.

Progress...

EXCERPT FROM A JOURNAL ENTRY FROM A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

Life throws us curve balls and it is all in how you react to them, isn't it? I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, I know, I know... it is a scary and dangerous place to hang out. Today I am emotionally drained partially due to over thinking and partially do to over extending my emotional availability. Why I feel the need to let others draw from my well is beyond me... I just care for people. I want the best for my friends and my family. I make myself available to them...my own doing. Sometimes, I question whether they want the best for me - it's subjective, I know this.

On another note, I figured out today that I am an emotional idiot. I guess my protective coating of sarcasm and forthright nature hides the squishy inside that is truly me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and fall in love too easily. I beat myself up better than anyone else can and I just can't stop myself sometimes. I am sure this is not a good thing. When people believe you are tough, they tend to throw you to the lions and just expect you to survive. Never once thinking that you put the brave face on so that they won't worry - so they won't see that you're a bit fragile inside and sometimes chronically lonely. Moronic isn't it? Why hide it behind the brave face if you want people to know? It may be that most people will ask but not hear what you are feeling or going through... to ask is simply a courtesy. To actually listen, is an investment that many people just don't want to make. Maybe I should follow their lead. Most days I'm OK, today I am not.

So this is my life today. I'm trying to just be with it and know that this too shall pass.

I wonder what the the therapist would say about this journal entry. I wrote it in May of 2008. I'm beginning to see that I've been working through all this crap for some time now and I believe that I'm getting close to the bottom of the barrel. I do feel lighter than I have in a long time. Obviously the tears have started rolling again where they were absent in my life for a good ten plus years. Maybe I am making progress, maybe the unexplainable tears are indeed a good thing. Hmm.

Quote

Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. - Tagore